


Mac vs. Brain

by Nyctae



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, Closeted Character, Gen, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:27:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23606773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyctae/pseuds/Nyctae
Summary: Mac’s brain was one of his most valuable tools that helped him solve hundreds of problems in life-threatening situations. However, Mac and his brain didn’t always get along. They were adversaries too, waging wars in his head over him liking men.
Kudos: 11





	Mac vs. Brain

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be the first fic in a series. The idea for the series ended up not working out, but I decided to just post it as a standalone instead of scrapping it.

Mac’s brain was one of his most valuable tools that helped him solve hundreds of problems in life-threatening situations. However, Mac and his brain didn’t always get along. They were adversaries too, waging wars in his head over him liking men.

Logic reasoned that it wasn’t something uncommon. In fact, it wasn’t even limited to humans. Homosexuality existed throughout the animal kingdom, ranging from sexual activity to parenting. Mac knew all about it; he’s pored over the scientific studies about various species dozens of times.

Memory was an interesting component of the battle—sometimes a friend, sometimes a foe. Sometimes it agreed with logic, and Mac remembered craning his neck as a child to get a better view from the backseat of his parents’ car of the colourful flags and cheerful shouts. He found it weird when they never answered when he asked what the celebration was for; later he learned it was a pride festival. Sometimes, memory not so gently reminded Mac of all the casual, insulting comments and disapproving looks his father gave to same-sex couples holding hands on the street.

Confusion usually followed those kinds of memories. He wasn’t sure how his parents would have reacted if he told them he liked women and men. They were kind people, and he couldn’t imagine them hating him forever. It wasn’t like he could tell his mother anymore, but what if he met his father? Would he be disappointed? What if he were angry? Should Mac even care if he was? He severed their relationship when he abandoned Mac years ago. Jack was the one who wanted him to reach out to his dad anyway.

When Jack came into mind, fear liked to kick in, and fear was one hell of an opponent. Mac had made a new family at the Phoenix, and he was terrified of losing them. Losing them to uncontrollable factors in the field was one thing, but if they left because of who Mac was, then he would be the only one to blame. It would be his fault they were gone.

The what-if panic went hand-in-hand with his fears. There were plenty of situations where liking men could have been an issue. Besides the prospects of losing his family, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell came to mind. He could have been kicked out of the military and never would have learned about bombs. Without his EOD training, what good would he be to Phoenix?

He knew that DADT was gone now, but it didn’t make him feel any better. The what-if panic didn’t care about the now. Even if he couldn’t be kicked out of the military now, what was stopping Phoenix from kicking him out? What could he do if they did? Complain to a lawyer about being kicked out of a secret government agency? He’d rather not break his cover and spend time in prison.

Mac didn’t really understand why he cared so much. He wasn’t even in a relationship, which was a dangerous thing in his line of work. He’d either be lying forever, and after the incident with Bozer and Murdoc, he never wanted to lie about his job to someone he cared about again. Dating someone in his line of work was a risky move too; the situation with Nikki was still fresh in his mind.

The only thing just as—if not more—dangerous than a relationship was a label. Giving it a label meant it would be a part of his identity. Labelling it meant he would have to tell people and leave the safety of the closet he hid himself in. A label would make him think more about what he couldn’t have.

After the whirlwind of battles in his mind, one opponent always won: resignation. Mac accepted that while others could happily be out and in relationships without being scared, he would never be able to have that. He didn’t want to risk everything he had. He’d just never get into any relationship. It wasn’t like he was planning to anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I know it's short, but I hope you enjoyed. Criticism is always appreciated  
> Check me out on Instagram: [@vi.nyctae](https://www.instagram.com/vi.nyctae/?hl=en)


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